Single Dad Point of View

Intro

Its been awhile since I've updated the blog. I certainly miss the therapy of just jotting down my thoughts and wondering if sharing them is the best idea. I often remember why I'm doing it and that is to learn and grow, so why not share.

This post can go one of many ways:

1. It can come across as arrogant
2. Highly opinionated 
3. Just plain bullshit

This may comes across as arrogance

Being a single dad (And single mom) can be tough. The dating life is probably one of the most difficult to find time for. Many of the people you are trying to date has kids themselves and trying to mesh schedules can nearly be impossible.

On top of it all, Single Dads want many of the same things as other single guys. The want a partner that values them for who they are as a person. This is where it gets a little dicey.

Great Dad?

I often hear, how great of a Dad I am. I take care of my kids, I do things with them etc... These things are very flattering and they make me happy. I do have several problems with those words.

If spending time with my kids makes me a great Dad, then our society is FUCKED UP. Sorry for the language, but this is just plain crazy. This is what a father/dad should do and it shouldn't be extraordinary.

If you guys aren't spending time with your kids then you're a moron. I don't want to hear all this stuff about baby mamma is keeping me away, yada yada yada. I know there are exceptions, but a lot of guys slacking here.

Like me for me, not my kids

Second, making the comment about being a great dad often comes with (not always), You need help, I would help you.

I'm not looking for a Maid or a Babysitter. If a relationship grows, yes my kids will be involved, but please don't think its attractive that you want to look after my kids. They have a mother.

Like me for me, not how I am with my kids.

Don't be fooled by Instagram and Facebook

You see what I want you to see. There are lots of bad days and lots of good ones as well. I've fucked up plenty of shit over the years. Yes, the nice picture with my boys may look cute, but I'm just as messed up as the next person. Probably more, Remember I have 3 boys. :-)

Thanks for listening. I don't know if this made sense. Its late. I'm tired and I couldn't sleep. Keep that in mind if you chose to read this.

Hello Again, Its been awhile

Back at it Again

What I've been up to!

Its been awhile since my last post. I've been spending a lot of time growing, both physically and mentally since my last post. I've taken on the challenge of running 5K's, ToughMudder (17 more days), 10K (end of the year) and switching up my parenting schedule to get my kids more.

I've also been thinking a lot about Dads lately, all kinds of Dads. Most of my friends who are great Dads. But what makes a "great" Dad. I don't know the answer to this question. Really everyone has there own interpretation of what a great father is or should be.

Dads What kind are you? 

If you read my past posts, I'm over being a mental basket case when it comes to dating. :-)  Its tough to date in todays age. So, much is going one, but sadly there is one thing I can't wrap my brain around. The Single Mom. Its not what you're thinking.

Maybe its natural, but many of the women I find have children. No big surprise there. One thing I have found its so difficult to meet or go out because they' have their kids 24/7 or the ex has the 1 or 2 weekends a month. Huh, how much???

Don't get this wrong, I'm not tooting my horn here. I have my kids 1 week on and 1 week off. I am their Father, Dad, Pops. This is not a Job or a hobby. These are my boys.

Why aren't they spending more time with their kids? Surprisingly many don't even pay child support. This is just shocking to me. I simply cannot come to terms with any of this. I'm not racking my brain on this subject, more like just shaking my head in disbelief.

I spoke with one lady who I just met and I told her that I didn't understand this. Her ex got their child 1 weekend a month and doesn't pay child support. She basically told me that in her experience that she believes most men want it this way. Most men, really!

I believe she is right. I would say the vast majority of Single Moms I know have their kids full time or all but 1 or 2 weekends a month and most don't receive child support. I don't know their circumstances and I don't want to judge, but you would have to kill me to keep me from my children.

If this is what our society has become, then its really really sad. No wonder a dad is seen as great when they spend time with their children. If most single dads, who by the way shouldn't even be called a single parent if they have their child 1 weekend a month, then we as a society have simply failed.

I don't want to go on a rant as i'm starting to get the blood boiling. I leave it on this note regarding "single" dads. If you're going to dip the pen in ink then you better be prepared to write something.

To Think or Not to Think!!!

One of the things I've found in writing these posts is that it seems I get triggers from the past weeks events. This weeks is thinking, actually thinking too much. I've found that I'm always struggling for an answer. I'm not looking to be right or correct, instead I'm looking for an answer to the million thoughts going through my head.

Chatting it up with friends

I had a few conversations this week that centered around needing answers. It seems the ones who are most at peace with themselves are the ones who just accept the way things are. The conversations revolved around dealing with other peoples actions and trying to make sense of them. Unusual for me, I just kept my mouth shut and listened (group conversation). ;-)

The conversation ended when my friend just saying "this time, I'm not looking for an answer". "This is the way it was meant to be and I'll move on".

Reflection

Those last words may not be an exact quote, but they stuck with me this week. I've always prided myself on being and to handle the truth or brutal honestly. I think this may be a source of what I'm struggling with now. What happens when I have the answer for all the crap going through my brain? I OVER THINK

We've all been there. Its late and time for bed and then the mind instantly kicks into high gear. Minutes feel like hours and you just can't fall asleep. This drives me insane. The problem first surfaced around the time my dad was in hospice, then through the divorce and now through Post-divorce life.

These events happen less often, but I can't seem to shake them. I'm actually at a loss for what to do. The problem appears self containing, continuing to search for the answer which is what i'm struggling with. You see all these sayings and quotes about just stop thinking about it, well I wish these quotes would give me a very tips on how.

Maybe writing these posts contributes to the problem. ?? The solution appears to be just to accept the way things are and move on, but how?

Becoming a Dad!!

Here we go, installment number 2.

Writing these 2 posts have been very interesting. Its actually really scary as you don't know if your're coming off as a weirdo, offensive or just full of sh*t. I honestly say there is something very therapeutic about putting yourself out there. I'm not sure how long this will last, but I'll keep going for now.

During my 5 hour drive tonight, I was wondering what in the hell to write. I certainly had a lot of time to think and I just felt I'll let this happen naturally. Because I had to head of town I've only had my boys 1 night over the last 2 weeks, It sort of felt weird to be able to have time to think about them. So, why not a post about how I felt when I became a Dad.

I've had 1 friend recently become a father, my cousin who's girlfriend is pregnant and one of my Fit Family members just post they were pregnant.

Am I a Dad yet?

April of 2007, the positive pregnancy test. The holy crap moment I'm going to be a Dad. It really didn't set in though. Yes, I know I'm going to be a Dad, but I didn't really fell like one. Someone once told me that a women knows she's a mother when she is pregnant and a man doesn't know he is a father until the baby pops out. (Sorry ladies -- a huge oversimplification about popping out)

I think part of why I feel this way is most of the focus at this point is on the women and rightfully so. She is going through a beautiful miracle of a life growing inside of her. Her body is undertaking a huge transformation.

Your going to the appointments and they are taking pictures, measurements and running all sorts of tests. Its really crazy, especially the closer it gets, but am I a Dad yet?

Oh crap, what the hell am I suppose to do with a little human?

Its getting closer and fear is starting to set in. Can I afford to support a family? How do I take care of a baby. Well, not fear your friends are here to help. LOL! I don't know what it is but people always feel obligated to tell you the horror stories of no sleep, getting pooped or pee'd on. There is truth to it, but what about the happy times. I guess everyone is different, but I better get prepared and learn something.

Daddy Bootcamp to the rescue. Our local hospital actually has a class called Daddy Bootcamp and I encourage all future Dads to take the class cause you better know how to change a diaper.

I took the class about 2 months before my oldest was born and I was really surprised at what I learned. I thought it was all about diaper changing and how to bath a baby. Boy was I dead wrong!! Guys pay attention.

Yes, the class did teach those 2 things and yes you have to know how. The bootcamps are taught my 2 Dads and you definitely get the male perspective. The fascinating part was what they talked about and this is what really stuck with me. The leader in the class said forget about what people have told you and focus on this. You and Mom!! Huh? Yes you and Mom. He said you will be tired, you won't know what to do and there will be nights when the baby won't stop crying, but if you and Mom pay attention to each others needs and "get along" things will be so much better.

This means as a Dad you need to do what you can in the beginning to help as much as possible and you will thank me later "I promise". Its just a fact if the mother is nursing there isn't much you can do to help with that specifically. This means you should pick up slack in other areas: think changing dirty diapers, giving baths and taking the late shift when it comes to bottle time.

Two pluses, happy mom and equally important bonding time with your son or daughter.

Is it time yet?? 

You've done Daddy Bootcamp, the tour of the hospital and the bag is packed. I'm a Dad, Yeah right!! January 2, 2008 college football time. The BCS championship game. I think it was the night Texas beat USC in the Rose bowl.

Strolling into bed around 1:00 am on the 3rd after watching replay after replay. Eyes closed for what seemed like 2 minutes. (actually about 2 hours). I hear

Mom: "Shannon, Shannon".
Me: I wanna sleep
Mom: Get me a towel.
Me: What? I going back to bed:
Mom: My water broke
Me; WHAT??

I hopped out of bed like a crazy man a swung into action. I'm not suggesting not having a plan, but all that crap goes out the window. Ha Ha!! The fun is just beginning, trust me.

Yep I'm a Dad!!

Finally, the hospital. The baby is on its own schedule. Mom is wanting the baby to come out like a month ago and you have no idea what she is going through. For your own safety, just do what she says.

Daddy bootcamp time again. I guess its different for everyone, but they suggested you taking control and warning those who came (family and friends) that there will be times when mom wants you in the room, out of the room or just a certain person. Tell them not to be offended and that when she says out or in, I will be tell you to get out or come in. Remember my safety is on the line!!!

Its time and I won't describe the next part but watching the birth of your son is a miraculous experience and you need to experience this for yourself, so no description.

I just remember when he finally came out, I cried like a baby (not sure who was crying more, him or me). Those tears were when I finally knew I was a Dad!!!!

Well, from here on out your'e on your own, so good luck Dads!!! I've been blessed with 3 boys and I think I'm the one who needs help or a mental institution

First Post

Intro

I'm a 42 y.o. Divorced Father of 3 of the most wonderful boys on earth. They bring me so much joy and its difficult to describe. I'm just trying to be the best dad I can, but why write this?

Writing and sharing can be healing if its used properly. This blog is not to bash or call people out. Its about getting what's inside out. No matter how much you prepare and think your ready, sometimes you still make make mistakes the knock you on your rear.

I'm approaching the 1 year mark of my divorce and and I've learned quite a bit. There will be ups and downs and you have to deal with them in a rational manner. You will make mistakes, learn from them and do not repeat them again.

Looking back, I've made quite a few.

Problems of the past don't go away

Your problems of the past with your ex don't go away. One of my dear friends told me this before I was divorced. They said don't think a divorce will make them go away. Get divorced because its the best thing for YOU and your kids.

This is so unbelievable true. In fact, they may actually get worse. Be civil but don't be so nice that it impacts all other aspects of your life and become so frustrated that getting up everyday becomes a chore. Life goes on and you must LIVE!! It took me a year to finally start to realize this. Now I begin.

Ready to date.... Think again!

I think it was about 5-6 months when I ventured out on my first date with someone I had not met. Wow I had fun. Then the reality sets in and my mind started racing. I started looking at all the negatives and comparing it to my past. Long story short there wasn't a date number 2.

I starting getting down on myself and lost my confidence and let myself go both mentally and physically. I didn't let it discourage me and about a month later went on another date. This time I spent some time getting to know the person first and had another great time. We hung out for about a month and then bam.... I hit the wall again. Fear set in, but this time I pushed some dear friends away.

I'm just thankful those friends didn't give up on me and yes we are still friends today.

Then most recently it happened again. Why?? I ask myself why. I waited several more months. I had been reading up on relationships. I felt ready this time I got this.

Then it dawned on me. What had I been reading and what advice had I been given? Had I been following the advice. NO!!!

Here are some very important tips for those coming out of divorce and looking to date and you think your in a stable relationship. These will kill you!!

Don't and I repeat don't discuss your problems with your ex to the person your dating. Flip the tables. Do you want to hear all the time about the persons ex? Once you do, you now have brought that person into the mess. It has to be difficult enough dating someone with 3 kids and recently divorced so don't do it.

I learned that I need to deal with these problems so I don't bring them into my next relationship. They told me this in the divorcing parents seminar and I didn't listen. Its one of the main reason why a first serious relationship fails after a divorce.

Don't be a wuss. I still try to help my ex and take her crap and that is just an unattractive quality. You are basically telling the person you want to date, your ex still comes first. No one wants that. You have to set boundaries. I thought I was doing it for my kids, In reality I was not. I was only getting irritated and cause problems for myself which ultimately cause issues in any future relationship. Yes, the same person who told me about my problems not going away told me this. Did I listen, yes. Did I learn, no!! I understand that now.

Lastly, remember no one can provide you happiness but yourself. If that's what your looking for you won't find it. Thankfully, I had already gotten over this one.

Conclusion

Hey we all make mistakes and in life and I have made a ton of them. Don't dwell on them, learn from them!! And lastly in the words of my late father "Don't sweat shit you can't control"

I'm going to try and update this once a week so come back. And no they won't all be about relationships. This is just the subject of my first one. I hope to post some of my fun adventures with my kids and other things that I want to get off my chest.